Movie night? you’re thinking. Wha?

My tablet is dead. Well, the charging cable is dead, but it amounts to the same thing until a fresh shipment of micro USB cables arrives in the mail. And speaking of fresh shipments, today I schlepped to the post office to pick up a box of Korean skincare products for review, shipped to me by our #1 bae and my new sponsor Jolse. Normally, I’d be sharing the pictures on Snapchat and Instagram (and probably chatting up a storm about the goods on Google Hangouts or FB Messenger). But I can’t, because tablet dead and I don’t “hang out” on my laptop the way I do on my tablet, because I just don’t. That makes it like work.

On the plus side, for once I watched a movie all the way through and paid attention the whole time! And that’s how Movie Night with Fiddy was born. Tonight I watched Blackhat, a 2015 Michael Mann cyber-thriller starring Chris Hemsworth, Chris Hemsworth’s unclothed upper body, and SK-II spokesmodel Tang Wei. Now I want to talk about it. Join me.

(Please note: I am not a movie critic, just a movie watcher with a blog. Please don’t look to me for qualified film commentary.)

Other cast: Blackhat also stars Wang Leehom, Viola Davis, and Viola Davis’s magnificent false eyelashes, which are truly magnificent.

Plot: A hacker hacks a Chinese nuclear plant and causes a disaster. The hacker then hacks the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. Meanwhile, in some prison somewhere, Chris Hemsworth’s character demonstrates that he possesses both brains and brawn by reading books and doing super extreme pushups with his feet propped high up on the wall. I don’t know what those kind of pushups are called, but they’re very impressive.

In China, a very handsome Chinese military officer (Wang Leehom) gets assigned to investigate the hacking of the nuclear plant and decides that in order to get the job done, he needs the help of his very pretty sister (Tang Wei), who is a network engineer. Also, he needs the help of his former MIT roommate and bestie, who happens to be the smart and physically fit prison inmate we just saw. Strings are pulled. Government officials get their jimmies rustled. Lines are drawn and rules are established, and our trio of Very Attractive Smart People is on the case.

Blackhat starts off with extensive amounts of foreboding dialogue, dramatic (but surprisingly not over-the-top or laughable) Hollywood hacking, and Michael Mann’s distinctive slow-burn suspense and really cool lighting. About an hour in, everyone starts running and shooting until the film reaches its surprisingly low-tech and stabby climax.

Evening skincare routine steps accomplished whilst watching this movie:

• Vita-Sea DIY 15% L-ascorbic acid vitamin C serum by Holy Snails, 15 minute wait time
• COSRX BHA Blackhead Power Liquid, 20 minute wait time
• COSRX AHA 7 Whitehead Power Liquid, 20 minute wait time
• Quick swipe of Dear by Enprani Softfull Booskin on a Muji facial cotton (affiliate link) to remove any post-acids gunk
• Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Serum, 30 minute wait time
• Quick patting of Skinfood Black Sugar Perfect First Serum to rehydrate and prep skin for post-actives skincare steps
• Scinic Aqua All In One Ampoule, generously provided to me for review by Jolse the bae. First impressions: It smells lovely in that clean, fresh “blue water” kind of way, pats in easily with minimal stickiness, and certainly hydrates and softens my skin after its nightly bout with acids and actives.
• Tosowoong Snail Natural Pure Essence to help my face recover from my long and sweaty walk in the sun today.
• Tosowoong Propolis Sparkle Ampoule
• Shark Sauce. Always Shark Sauce. Fiddy luhhhhh dat Shark Sauce.
• Tosowoong Timeshift Serum
• Laneige Water Bank Serum, because I totally forgot that I’d already done a watery hydrating-type ampoule, but eh, my skin will drink anything up, so why not. First impressions: It’s okay. I like it better than any other Laneige products I’ve tried. I’m giving it a fair shot in the three-way aqua battle that I have planned for when my Shara Shara Aqua Bomb All In One Ampoule arrives.
• Quick sheet mask pregaming with Hada Labo Gokujyun Super Hyaluronic Acid Lotion.
• Applied Ciracle From Jeju Camellia Flower Anti-Wrinkle Mask, also kindly provided to me by Jolse for review. This is the stage I’m on now.

Blackhat movie review:

Blackhat is no Heat, that’s for sure. It lacks the intensity and laser focus that that movie and other Michael Mann classics like Collateral and The Last of the Mohicans deliver. Despite its somewhat dry first hour, though, I did find it thoroughly entertaining.

One thing I really appreciated about this movie was its Pander Factor. Blackhat panders harder to Asian audiences than any other Hollywood movie I’ve ever seen, and I personally found that awesome. 2/3 of the lead roles in this movie are played by Chinese actors. The Chinese characters are neither antagonists or double-crossing tricksy traitors, but simple co-protagonists on the right side of the plot. Blackhat takes us from a table full of banchan in L.A.’s Koreatown all the way over to China and eventually Jakarta, Indonesia. Also, Tang Wei brings a subtlety and complexity to her character that I don’t think was originally there in the writing, so that’s good. If we’re going to be perfectly honest, I enjoyed her performance even more than I enjoyed Chris Hemsworth’s unclothed upper body’s performance, and that’s saying a lot. I really like Tang Wei now.

A couple of notable moments that made me giggle: Chris Hemsworth spear phishing a government agent, and Tang Wei doing some slick in-person social engineering. Both scenes were much better than the usual “sweatily hunch over keyboard, drops of sweat spattering on the keys” Hollywood hacking.

How many feels were felt during the course of this movie?

Eh, a few.

Sex factor: Yes.

Annoyances: This is one of those LOUD/quiet movies, where you have to turn your speakers up a lot in order to hear what people are saying, but then you get the pants scared off you when the shooting starts because it will be ear-splittingly loud because you had the volume turned up so loud. Also, the characters weren’t really all that compelling. And Tang Wei’s hair was constantly blowing in her face and it made me vicariously annoyed for her.

How much did this movie enhance my evening skincare routine?

Very much.

Would I do my skincare routine to this movie again?

Yeah, sure, if it’s on TV or streaming on Netflix or Amazon or something.

Have you seen Blackhat? Did you like it? Would you wear a sheet mask and watch this movie?